August 10, 2020

To guide this writing, I chose an oracle card from the astrosoul oracle deck and Sagittarius appeared. Sagittarius as an energy yearns for a free spirit, ever-reaching into the vast skies. It’s ruler, Jupiter, wants us to to cultivate wisdom, faith and abundance…much like many of our own expectations back on Earth. We reach forward and toward both possible and impossible goals. As the Dead Can Dance song tells us:

But the spirit of life keeps us strong

And the spirit of life is the will to carry on”

But this post isn’t necessarily about our goals in life. It is about how we see people and what faith we put into others outside of ourselves.

As someone who facilitates conversations and teachings in the healing world, I have come to find, during this pandemic, how often others put me on a pedestal. Both students and friends have projected their expectations of what they have seen me as, onto me. After being told one “should” be a certain way, or “you are not how you teach others to be”, you start to develop a little of a complex. Throughout my years of running my own business, my first priority was to always be authentic. Sometimes that means sacrificing income and clients. Sometimes it means showing the stark reality of life and also their teacher is not perfect. However, it is possible to teach, hold certain beliefs, and also be starkly human, which does not equate to not acting how or what we teach.

This stark side is the shadow side. I have spoken about the shadow side for a very long time. Many people do not want to hear about it or they pretend they’re listening/understanding, but still unconsciously growing their own beliefs about that particular person’s shadow side. When they are confronted with it later in real time, a defense mechanism jumps in front to protect themselves and their own shadow side presents itself. This can become a trap for both parties.

There is a reason it has been difficult to hear people say  “you are the most amazing healer”, “I wish I could be like you”, etc. Not in a humble brag sense, but in the fact that in that moment, they are forming their own image of you onto you that you will never be able to live up to.   I have worked in the past years to simply say “thank you”, show my appreciation, and also be mindful of when it’s a projection. These love notes to me mean deeply to me, and they can also present as problems for the future when my human side comes out unexpectedly. These instances are learning moments for myself as well when I realize people expect you to be meditating 24-7 or to not become angry as humans do.

As I write this, I am slowly crawling up from a very dark well. Again, as I have tried to be transparent in my mental health and my beliefs, there are still others shocked that their projections and expectations of me have not stuck. And though I have my own expectations of myself, it is time I take inventory of my own identity to make sure I am not putting more unrealistic images onto myself or others. I try to stand “outside” of myself and become aware of defensiveness, hurt and sadness. I will follow the dark tunnel to see why these raise those emotions in me.

Revisiting our friend Sagittarius, who is represented by the Centaur, they are someone who looks like one thing on top, but completely different underneath.My hope is that during this time we can learn to have faith in ourselves and our growth, what we look like inside and out, and also to have faith in others while supporting their own growth, even when it looks unfamiliar.


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